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Sunday, June 13, 2010

Phoenix Soulstar's 9 Cautionary Dating Tips (For Guys)

1) Her Best Friend's a Guy
I've come across quite a large amount of females that just prefer guy friends as opposed to female friends. Of course, this doesn't sit well with some of their fellas when it's time to get serious. But if your girlfriend's best friend is of the opposite sex (even if they've dated before), you wanna know the best thing you can do? Absolutely nothing. OK, let me put it another way, The best thing you can do is to let nature take it's course. While your partner will likely tell you you're second to none in the importance hierarchy, it's likely that the best friend is the only person in her personal life that's untouchable. While it's natural to feel jealousy towards a male best friend (especially if there's even a smidget of romantic history between your partner and their guy), complaining or showing hostility toward a partner's friend may only result in driving a wedge between you and your mate. Hey, 9 times out of 10, they've been in the picture a lot longer than you (and if it doesn't work out, they'll be there when you're gone). And if you truly trust your partner, then lean on that trust of your partner rather than your suspicion about an unknown guy. If you've got the stomach for it, I even suggest making friends with him (keep your potential enemies closer). So this plight is best served by utilizing great patience. Because the good thing about her preferring male friends is, if you two are successful in maintaining a meaningful relationship, she'll eventually spend a lot less time with him and you'll inevitably become her new best friend.

2) Running Into an Ex- (Hers or Yours)
Alright guys, in any situation, confidence is key. Nervousness and stuttering are absolutely frowned upon and will probably cost you a ridiculous amount of cool points that you'll never be able to get back. If it's her ex-guy, be classy, introduce yourself, and make light, but brief conversation. Your date and her ex- will simultaneously get the picture that you're clearly an upgrade. And if you run into your ex-girlfriend, now's the perfect time to show off your new misses. Poise rules in these situations as your date will be watching your every move. You should introduce her to your ex- with the enthusiasm of a heavyweight title fight ring announcer. Keep 90% of your eye contact with your date, so that all parties involved know without question who you're into, and she'll be infatuated like love potion #9.

3) Don't Burn Bridges
So it didn't quite workout, or perhaps you couldn't resist the lure of the other side's green grass. You're naturally feeling free from having to consider your partner's feelings after a split, but the worst thing you can do now is burn bridges. Separation from your partner is not a license to assault their feelings or carelessly offend them. Remember, different people take different amounts of time to get over break-ups. Just because you've already found the future mother of your children doesn't mean that your partner isn't ready to commit suicide every time she sees you two holding hands in public (Think Forgetting Sarah Marshall). Unless you're 100% sure that you never want anything to do with your former partner again, it's best to practice a little discretion even if you have a tendency to "keep it moving" almost immediately post break-up. Despite the favored perception that pit bulls are very unpredictable dogs, it still holds true that human beings are easily the most fickle of all animals, and you may want to give it another shot once you've had a little time away and began to miss what you two had. But the likelihood of getting back to the other side may completely hinge on the condition you left the bridge in. So try leaving the bridge intact even when getting back out on the market. You may find that the alternatives are not quite what you thought. And besides, options are a beautiful thing.

4) Dating Single Mothers
If you're not into planning or patience, you'll find it hard to date single mothers. Any wonderfully romantic plan you have set for the evening ahead can be ruined at anytime by her inability to find a babysitter. Children are often time consuming, and when considering school, sports practice, family time, and other extracurricular activities, there's a lot less quality time left for you. But although a single mother's kids are an extension of her and extremely important, you have to remember that you're dating her, and not them. Children used to having their mother to themselves are typically wary of outsiders, so it's not unnatural for them to feel negatively towards you initially. But not everyone can handle it, and if that's the case, then it's probably best that you try dating someone else.

5) She's Just Going Through a Phase?
Never EVER get seriously involved with a woman going through a phase. If you're just looking for some part-time fun, then wonderful. But if checking for a long-term relationship, the phrase about "the phase" is a red flag. When a woman says she's going through a phase, this usually means her current lifestyle, actions, way of thinking, etc. are likely temporary, or she's not really sure what she wants right now. It could also mean that she's just having fun dating around and/or dating guys she couldn't bring home to mom and dad. And in all likelihood, she plans to be married with kids one day to someone fitting an ideal that she's not 100% sure about yet. So if it truly is a phase and the phase "dies out", she's likely to wanna make some changes. And if you're attached to the person she was mid-phase and unable to change with her, then her first change may be you.

6) Paying for Dates
Everyone has their different and varying opinions on who should pay for dates and at what frequency. Some men and women are "old school" and believe the man should get the check 100% of the time, no questions asked. I've dated women that thought whoever invited the other party to the event should take care of the guest, regardless of gender, and they'd literally fight you for the check if you tried to pay anyway. But the majority of the women I've dated adhere to the 50/50 (sometimes 60/40) rule, in which case the two parties take turns getting the check. Whatever your preference, it's very important to make it known should you sense that you and your date are not quite on the same page. If you're not quite old-fashioned, and after the 3rd date she hasn't even fake-reached for her purse to help with the tip, then it's time for a talk. It'll certainly be awkward if the conversation's initiated during the date, and so it's probably best to wait until afterward when you two are alone. Simply phrase your concern as an open-ended question. For example, "So what do you feel are the roles of a man in any dating situation?" If it's determined you two aren't on the same page, or either is willing to compromise, then better sooner than later so that you both may begin dedicating your time to more fruitful situations.

7) The Grass May be Greener, But the Water Bill's Higher Too

Now this applies to everyone. Sometimes we're in a committed and comfortable relationship, and because of human interest in the unknown, possibly coupled with the feeling that something's missing, we become intrigued by someone on the outside. Now sometimes it's just innocent intrigue and nothing more. But every now and then, we start to believe that this person is worth giving up our current partner for. And so, although slightly reluctant at first, we eventually make the switch, with the sincere belief that a union with this new person will have everything that the last partner was missing. Now it's a very frequent occurrence where something 'good' is let go for something that we think could be 'great', but what we typically end up realizing is that the new person is missing many of the attributes that we loved about our previous partner. Oh sure, every now and again someone gets it right and ends up happy and content with their decision, but 9 times out of 10, this is not the case. So word to the wise, look before you leap. And by look, I mean examine with extreme prejudice and a high-powered microscope.

8) Unrealistic Expectations or Don't Be Your Own Worst Enemy
We've all got that extra picky friend that can't find a mate because of their ridiculous selectiveness. You know the type (or you are the type), all that promising talk about a new person in their life one week, usually followed by a forfeiting of efforts the next week, and usually over some flaw that they just couldn't get over. This cycle uninterrupted typically leads to feelings of loneliness, and ultimately unhappiness. Do this: Write down your list of must-haves in a partner. Now look at your list and cross out all of the fickle preferences, because it's only supposed to be must-haves!!! If your list has more than 15 things, then you probably need to beat your list down until only necessary core values are left. Having unrealistic expectations in romance-land often leads to frequent disappointment. Give the guy or girl a chance who doesn't quite drive the type of car you like or doesn't like to eat at the same places you do. You may be pleasantly surprised by the different personality types you meet once you make yourself just a bit more available. You'll also learn that everything is hardly ever what it seems. With romantic love being a huge part of our everyday happiness, we simply cannot afford to constantly sabotage our own opportunities at a 'happily ever after.'

9) Beware The Girl w/ Low Self-Esteem
As a teenager, the ugly ducking often gets teased, and as a result, becomes very insecure about herself. But every now and then, she grows to be a beautiful swan. Only problem is, as beautiful as she's become, she's still just as insecure on the inside. Many men the world over are often confused by the pretty girl lacking confidence, and they attempt to fix it, but to no avail. Insecure women are difficult to date if you're not ready to give constant, never-ending attention. They tend to frequently need their positive attributes reaffirmed, and are extra sensitive to criticism, regardless of if it's justified. Because outside attention is necessary to constantly validate those who possess this particular characteristic, if you're not giving the attention that meets their requirements for emotional stability (may vary greatly from the amount of attention you deem adequate), they'll likely look for it elsewhere.


  1. interesting points..good to know you are blogging again

  2. Insightful. How did you come up with these tips? Advice from others or experience? Which of these tips do you think is the most difficult to follow?

  3. Raven: Thanks lady, i def have to re-check out "When A Bird Sings".. i'm sure that's still going strong.

    Ericka: All the opinions are drawn from several different experiences or mistakes i've felt i made in certain situations. They are all definitely things i wish someone would've told me previously, but I had to find out the hard way. But hey, experience is the best teacher.

  4. I really like your perspective on this topic. I can agree with much of what you said. Sounds like you learned quite a bit in your personal experiences. Very mature outlook!


  5. Thank you Sheena, although I wouldn't think you'd be feeling #9 considering your stance on self-esteem.

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