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Sunday, July 4, 2010

16 Hilarious but Slightly Weird Thoughts

The last post was super serious, so I've certainly gotta lighten the mood. And so I compiled 16 hilarious thoughts from a few comedians (Demetri Martin, Dane Cook, etc.) and myself. Now granted, I have a warped sense of humor, but if you don't laugh at at least 5 of these, then you have NO SOUL!

16 Hilarious but Slightly Weird Thoughts

1) I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says ‘GO OUTSIDE!!!’

2) The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

3) Barbie sure has a lot of nice things for a girl whose knees don't bend

4) “I like parties, but I don’t like piƱatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there’s a donkey with some pizzazz. Let’s kick its ass. What I’m trying to say is, don’t make the same Halloween costume mistake that I did.”

5) A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he’s persuasive. ‘Dude make a left.’ ‘Those are trees…’ ‘Trust me.’

6) I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that’s when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.

7) I think it would be cool, if you were writing a ransom note in Microsoft Word, and it popped up, the paperclip and said, “It looks like you’re writing a ransom note… need some help?"

8) I wonder what the word for dots looks like in braille.

9) My friend had a burrito. The next day he said, “That burrito did not agree with me.” I was like, “Was the disagreement over whether or not you’d have diarrhea? Let me guess who won.” “I tried to reason with it, I insisted, you know. I was like, ‘I wanna go outside, I like these pants, but the burrito had his way.’”

10) While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and
instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

11) Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their
profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got
the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if
I do!

12) There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are
going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

13) I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not
seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

14) When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she
hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light
internet stalking.

15) Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising
speed for pedophiles.

16) How in the hell do you fold a fitted sheet???

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