Transitioning from Being Single to a Monogamous Relationship

Single life is pretty awesome for some of us 20-something folks, and probably a few divorcees. The freedom to move and do as you please is exciting for a while. But as with all things, that life gets old, and many folks start wanting someone to call their own. Once you find that person (or persons for you polyamorous folks), it’s an awesome feeling…. an awesome feeling that lasts for as long as it takes you to realize that your new partner is flawed just like every other human being. Sometimes, the flaws are serious and potential relationship-enders (see: secretly married with a 2 ½ kids). But if you’re lucky (and I use that term loosely), the rough parts of sustaining your new relationship are the changes one must go through in order to properly convert from living single to life with a significant other. The transition can be pretty tough, especially if you’ve been single for 2+ years. Old habits die hard. Many say that they’d like to meet the one, but may not be prepared to make the changes necessary in order to make the situation successful once they encounter it. And so I’d like to make a modest attempt to provide a few tips on how to ease this transition and evolve from the simplicity of single life to a place of thoughtfulness usually needed for a successful relationship.

#1 Loose Ends
First things first. All those other folks you had on a string, but never quite reeled in, are going to have to be handled. You’ll either need to cut them loose, ignore them until they get the hint, or keep them on a very long leash. If it’s the last option, you run the chances of pissing off your partner. Answering their texts every now and again may seem harmless, until one of them texts or calls you at 2:00 am while your partner’s over. Even if your partner doesn’t ask you to explain, they likely are wondering who, besides them or your mother with a family emergency, would be calling you at that hour. And also, don’t think your partner won’t notice your loose ends posting on your Facebook wall frequently, liking every other status, and ending each of their comments with a wink. The long leash is only advised when you’re not sure about your situation. And if that’s the case, re-evaluation of whether the situation’s worth it, and of your actual readiness for a serious monogamous relationship is probably the best option.

#2 Flirtation
Flirts also have it pretty tough regarding this transition. A little harmless flirting may be cool, but you should always gauge your partner, or even just have a direct conversation with them in order to determine what’s inappropriate. You may be used to kissing your opposite sex friends on the cheek, or even playfully slapping them on the ass, but you should make sure your partner is okay with these things before continuing to do them once in a relationship. I stress finding out BEFORE. It is much better to be proactive than reactive. I assure you that that playful slap on your buddy's ass is not worth the 2+ hour argument and/or subsequent discomfort with the buddy involved that may follow if your partner is not into that sort of behavior.

#3 Friends That You Used to Date (Or Do Other Stuff With)
Current friends that you used to be involved with (almost all of us have them) are one of the things that can really be made into a non-issue if you handle it well. Make it a point to tell your partner well in advance about these folks. Furthermore, if you’re going to a gathering, and you know someone’s going to be who you were once involved with, be sure to bring it up ahead of time. Your partner will almost definitely appreciate your honesty, and it also makes you look extremely trustworthy. Few things are worse for a relationship’s trust than your partner finding out about a former dating situation with one of your current friends from someone besides you. Even if you have trouble getting it out before your partner meets your former whatever-they-were, the saying “better late than never” certainly applies here. Although they may be slightly bothered by being told after the fact, you'll still earn some cool points for giving them information that you possibly could have held onto with no consequence. Once you come off as sneaky, it’s hard to get that 100% trust back. And it’s a pain in the ass when you don’t have a high level of trust from your partner. The questions about where you’ve been, and who you’ve been with will noticeably multiply, and no one wants to feel like they have to check in at every turn.

#4 Friends of the Opposite Sex
This may not apply to everyone in a monogamous relationship, but I believe that many people may have issues with their significant other having a large amount of friends of the opposite sex. While your significant other may trust you, they have no way of knowing the intentions of the folks you hang around, especially in this culture where mainstream deems it almost acceptable to steal someone else’s dude/chick. I’ve found that the best possible solution is to introduce your significant other to your opposite sex friends ASAP. Witnessing the manner in which you and your friends interact will often put them at peace, once they see that these folks are not a threat. And sometimes you will run into a person who is simply not okay with you having friends of the opposite sex. At that point, you have to decide whether your relationship, or your opposite sex friendships are more important to you.

Conclusion
Finally, if all this sounds too daunting, it’s possible that you don't view the person you’re with as worthy of making a few personal changes, or that you’re just not ready for a monogamous relationship at this point. And hey, that’s totally fine. Times are changing. A lot of folks are doing polyamory now, or just choosing to remain single for an extended period of time. I think whatever your option, the first step is making peace with it. But if you want a successful monogamous relationship, it’s important that you’re able to transition from thinking for you to thinking for two. And don’t think of it as having to change for someone; rather, think of it as experiencing a personal evolution that just may lead to collective and individual happiness in your future.

How To Do a Stress-Free PhD

So you’ve been accepted into your PhD program. Congratulations??! Doing a PhD can be stressful at times, and stress is likely a major contributor to only 50% of PhD students finishing their programs. And so for this entry, I’ve included a few tips that I hope will ease the pain and help get you through the ridiculousness that can be PhDness.

Form Healthy Relationships W/ Those in Your Class
Let’s face it, PhD programs are generally pretty tough to get into. The applicant pool typically ranges from 75 to 200, but the number of folks actually selected ranges from 5 to 13. If you’ve made it this far, then you’re all probably geeks (in some capacity). But each geek likely has different experiences and areas of expertise in which they excel above the rest of the class. It is very important that you form an alliance with these folks early on, in order to benefit from those areas that you may be weak in. I’m no statistics whiz, but there are 2 or 3 folks in my Biostatistics II class that are amazing, and they’re extremely helpful in giving me tips to help me get through the class. On the other hand, folks think me to be a very talented writer, and so in classes when we have multiple specialized papers to submit, I’ve had a few classmates seek help from me in this area. Make sure that you humbly respond to any requests for assistance by your classmates, as today’s student may be tomorrow’s tutor.

Pick a Helpful Advisor (Even if You Have to Switch)
Most doctoral students are automatically appointed an advisor upon entry into the program. Graduate- level professors are usually pretty busy with research, so unless you knew them personally beforehand, I can almost promise you that they won’t give a damn if you decide to switch advisors. The key here is to talk to several students (emphasis on several, because one student may love a professor that everyone else despises) that have been in the program in order to find out who is friendly, helpful, and has some influence. Friendly and helpful are my top 2 qualities for an advisor to have, but influence can be important also if you desire a letter of recommendation for a job, or if you want to get in on a particular project and your advisor is able to recommend you to the primary investigator. It can also make all the difference in the world when it comes time to do your dissertation. If the professor has a reputation for stressing students out during that process, this is important to consider when selecting an advisor. It also usually doesn’t have to be done immediately. And so taking a semester or two to get to know all the professors so that you can form your own opinion may also be a helpful strategy.

Don’t Talk to Random Folks About the PhD
I often catch a hard time from friends about not talking about my PhD with others, but I definitely have my reasons. I’ve run into more discouragement by talking about the PhD with random folks than I have anything. In telling folks in random conversation that I wanted to do a PhD, the first response was typically along the lines of, “Oh, are you sure you need to do that?” or “I thought about doing that, but I wanted to work instead, because I’m tired of being broke.” It’s because of these responses with negative undertones that I refuse to talk about PhD life outside of family, close friends, and folks involved in the program. Some people who have a naturally competitive spirit (that’s what we’ll call it to be nice) hear PhD and think of it as a ranking. And so the sound of you mentioning a PhD may subconsciously trigger that person to either say something that would demean the PhD, or express that they could have one if they wanted to (even though we discussed earlier how difficult it is to get into these programs). They may not mean any harm, but you should avoid conversations about your PhD with these folks at all costs. Your reasons for pursuing it are your own, and they are not to be defended to someone (stranger or loved one) who insists on acting as the judge of whether or not your reasons for PhD pursuit are justifiable. With all the doubt that may be flooding your mind about your PhD in the first place, negative, non-constructive feedback is likely the last thing you need. And if you’re deciding whether to apply, and you need to talk to someone, talk to a professor in your PhD program of interest. They are, hands down, the best folks to consult, and almost always open to discussion with potential students. These professors can honestly let you know, without any type of bias, whether the PhD path is something that you should pursue.

Go Out and Have a Good Time Every Now and Again w/ Friends Who Matter
If you’re doing a PhD, the list of friends you hang out with is probably about to shrink. But it’s important that you don’t become a social leper. One of the best ways that I’ve personally found to offset frustration is to link up with friends and have a good time if I don’t have anything pressing due. Going out to dance, shooting pool, or just having your friends over to kick it can be incredibly therapeutic. While you should take post-graduate work seriously, there’s no reason it should take over your entire life. And also, it doesn’t hurt to have a few friends who are in a graduate program that can trade stories with about your crazy professor or super-eccentric classmates.

Employment, Family, and Other Obligations
Some folks work and do part-time classes during their PhD, while other folks elect to go full-time and receive funding from their program in exchange for contributing a set amount of research hours per week. There are also folks that work full-time, take full-time classes, and have children at home. Regardless of your combination, it’s essential that you determine what you can reasonably handle. Doing a PhD is much, much easier without having a full-time job or family, but if you have one or both of these things going on, you may want to consider being a part-time student. Once again, each individual has their different limits, and you simply must do what works best for you.

Take Care of Your Appearance
This pretty much speaks for itself. Going to class looking crazy is ridiculous. Taking care of one’s appearance is extremely important. While your first thought may be that you’re doing a PhD, and you’re super busy, so who cares about appearance, you must keep in mind that the PhD is one of the best opportunities that you may have had up until this point in your career to make professional contacts. How you dress definitely influences how professors and classmates perceive you, and consequently how they interact with you. I’m not saying that dressing bummy will be the reason that your genius gets overlooked. I’m simply saying that regardless of how intelligent or adept you are in a particular area, dressing nicely will only help to influence that perception.

How to Play Scrabble (or Similar Word Games) Effectively

I’ve told myself I’d write a strategy guide for a while now. PhD life is ridiculously busy though, so I’m just now getting around to it. I’m pretty good at Scrabble. I’ve come in 1st place in a local Scrabble tournament. Being a doctoral student, the folks I tend to play are usually university graduate students and university professors, and I beat everybody. And so since it’s something I seem to excel it, I thought it would be cool to share a few of my strategies in hopes of helping folks improve their play.
I probably won’t give up everything, but that’s not because of selfishness. It’s honestly because it’s hard to think of everything when I’m not in the middle of a game. But maybe I’ll write a Part 2 if this one’s well-received.
If you already know all of this stuff, you’re probably already pretty good and can write one of these yourself.


Tile Placement
Once during a Scrabble game, I heard an onlooker state that the word that my opponent had played (GELATIN) was a very nice Scrabble word. Although that onlooker was a friend, I couldn’t help but look at her like she was an idiot. The only nice Scrabble word is the kind that scores points. Despite the fact that GELATIN has 3 syllables, and required six tiles (the G was already in place), 11 or 12 or how many ever points is not the result of a nice Scrabble word. Scrabble is ALL ABOUT TILE PLACEMENT, unless you’re one of those folks that doesn’t play to win. Placing an X on a triple letter score that has U to the right of that space, and an I below the space (creating the words XU and XI and giving you about 50 points) is far more valuable. While building words, the focus should be to get high scoring letters on double letter or triple letter tiles, and to get your words on double word and triple word tiles. If you’re just indiscriminately spelling out the first word you see, you’re probably doing it wrong.

Count Your Points Before You Play
This one is pretty self-explanatory. If you have several good-looking options, hats off. But before you play, it’s important to determine which would be most advantageous. Counting points beforehand is one way to do that. One option may give you 45 points, but the other may give you 54, so be sure to show patience, even when you have what you think is a surefire point-maker.

Defense
Also, when you have several options, it’s important to consider if one of those options may set your opponent up. Playing defense is almost as important as scoring. Your opponent usually relies on you to create an opening so that they can score. And so you must focus on limiting the amount of openings that you create. If the words that you are about to play will leave the letter S directly under and a few tiles away from the Triple Word Score, then you may want to rethink playing that word unless you are going to get a ridiculous amount of points from the play anyway. Also, if there’s a triple word score wide open, but all you have available to play is the word AND (giving you roughly 12+ points), it’s better to play it than leaving the triple word score wide open for your opponent to destroy you with. Once again, defense is all about limiting your opponents’ opportunities.

2 and 3 Letter words
If you read the paragraph above and didn’t know that XU and XI were playable words, you may want go here. These words are so important, especially in the end when you have 7 vowels and seemingly nowhere to go. Knowing these words will also improve your ability to place a word in line directly parallel to another word, creating more words (and more points). For instance, if DAMP is spelled on the board horizontally, and your last two letters are A & A, it helps to know that AA is a word, and you can play this word directly on top or on bottom of DAMP at any space above or below and create three words.

Set Scoring Goals
I typically refuse to settle for any play that doesn't produce a minimum of 20 points. Even if I don't see how to score the 20 at first, there's usually always a way (unless you're playing someone who's really good defensively). And so set scoring goals that can act as a measuring tool for your improvement. Disallow yourself to play any word that doesn't net at least 15 points, and raise the bar as you perceive yourself improving.

Closing
Closing is the biggest weakness that I notice regarding most players. Even when my highly skilled friend plays me to a dead heat and there are 7 tiles left, I know I’m probably winning because she is an awful closer, like most of you folks. First things first. When the remaining tiles get down to single digits, you have to keep a count of how many tiles your opponent has. If your opponent has all 7 of his tiles, there is only 1 tile left in the bag, and your opponent plays a word using 4 tiles, then that opponent who now has 3 tiles would pick up that last remaining tile, giving them a total of 4 tiles. This is pretty evident in Scrabble as you can see the backside of your opponent’s pieces, but not so much in electronic word games. And so it’s important to make a mental note. This is very important if the score is close, because the first person to play all of their tiles receives points based on the tiles that their opponent has, and if the scores are close, these points could be enough to give that person the win. Knowing which letters are left can be a lot of help also. If you know what your opponent has, you can strategize accordingly. Although the amount of each letter-tile available may be different for the different word games, make yourself aware of how many important letters (X’s, Q’s, Z’s, S’s, etc.) are in each game’s 'bag' and you’ll have an idea of what your opponent is working with toward the end of the game based on what has already been played.

That’s all for now, and best of luck with your Scrabble or other word game endeavors.
And if you’d like to play me in Wordfeud or Words w/ Friends, my username for both is phoenixsoul.

The Science of Friendship Part I

Feeling like your group of friends acts differently toward you than they do toward each other?  Feeling like they sometimes do things and fail to include you?  You’re probably right.

The thing about a group of friends (3 or more) is that regardless of resistance, each individual will almost always end up ranking every member of their group of friends from favorite to least favorite.  Being least favorite doesn't mean you suck (although you might).  It simply means that the rest of the group's members are more compatible and/or comfortable with each other than they are with you.  Oftentimes it’s done subconsciously instead of purposely.  And so we tend to show it through our actions rather than words, and eventually form a subgroup, in which one or more of the members of the original group are not included.  Of course we invite the entire group for outings, partying, and the like, but the members of our subgroup have a higher security clearance.  We develop a special bond with them, dragging them along to help pick out our wedding colors, calling them first when we're back in town to visit, and even gossiping about group members outside of the subgroup.  We rank because human beings naturally think in terms of order.  Order is the basis for most decision-making, and so of course, we can't help it.  From the moment your 2nd grade teacher taught you "greater than" and "less than", you were a ranking machine, assigning differing levels of importance to activities, video games, and eventually people. 

If that one friend is complaining about being left out all the time, then she’s probably not imagining it like the rest of the group suggests, as you all ride off onto another film-worthy adventure not starring her.  The exception here is that the friend doesn't put the energy into friendships that she would like to receive.  And if you've been reading my posts, then you know how I feel about the golden rule, reciprocity, etc. (necessary for any friendship or relationship to stand the test of time).

But regardless of reason, the problem with groups of friends and order is that someone has to be last.  So if you're last, how do you deal? 

It depends on your personality type. 

If you value the loose friendship that you have with your group, but you still desire more favoritism or inclusion, a frequent mistake is seeking that attention from one of the group's current members.  It's likely that these people know your tendencies, where you are in life, and what you represent.  So unless you plan on making some drastic changes, it may be time to accept that these friends assign you a certain value based on their perception of who you really are.  Unless this perception is incredibly distorted, it's time to find another source for the type of friendship that you seek.  Rest assured, there are potential friends out there who will appreciate you for the eccentric, backwards-thinking individual that you are and place you on the very top of their totem pole.

If a loose friendship simply leaves you unsatisfied with your position in the hierarchy of group members, then it's time to pull yourself out of the group.  Remaining friends with the members individually, but opting out of group activities is a good way to wean yourself off of the group.  Those who were only your friend as a condition of being apart of the group will eventually fade, and although you still may not receive the tight friendship that you yearn for from the remaining friends, the overall quality of friendship will likely improve. 

Regarding this possible improvement, think of it in terms of averages.  You've got a group of 5 friends.  Let's say you rank the friendship between you and these individual members on a scale of 1-10, and the 5 members individually earn an 8, 7, 5, 3 and 2.  If you're hanging out with all 5 of these people, that's an average of 5 in terms of quality.  Now kick 5, 3, and 2 to the curb and your overall quality of friendship increases to 7.5! 

Of course, this all depends on if you value quality over quantity, or quality over multiple options.

And I hope you do, for your sanity's sake.

Related Posts: Relationship Theory: Intention VS Perception, Phoenix Soulstar's 9 Cautionary Dating Tips (For Guys)

If Historical Events Had Facebook Statuses

OK, shout out to folks at Cool Material for coming up with this, and much love to my friend Stephanie L. for posting this link on Facebook.  Please check it out, it is hilarious!!!

http://coolmaterial.com/roundup/if-historical-events-had-facebook-statuses


Related Posts: Phoenix Soulstar's Guide to Facebook Stalking Part I, 16 Hilarious But Slightly Weird Thoughts